Another scary revelation about myself is that I had become almost totally paralyzed by a fear of not completing a task to perfection. For almost 3 years, everything I would feel like I needed to start, I just couldn’t bring myself to because I would never be able to complete it to perfection – or if I started it, I wouldn’t be able to finish because it wasn’t coming out perfectly.
Instead of living life to the best of my ability, I spent hours playing online games where I could do everything perfectly…I could have my crops in neat and tidy rows, I could complete tasks with relative ease and be rewarded with a “job well done” notice.
The worst part of all of this was, I had truly gone into survival mode. I was going through the motions of life, but not enjoying life to the fullest or for that matter, much at all. I was wearing my “Little Miss Perfect” mask faithfully for the world to see, but I was withering and hurting underneath.
How could this be? Well, I had even managed to transfer this need for perfection and the inability to obtain it to my spiritual life and relationship with God. I would fore go time in God’s Word pretty much every day because a)I was so far behind in my commitment to spend time with God daily that I was never going to be able to “catch up” and b) because I just didn’t have the time to “do it right” – aka haul out the Strong’s concordance, the Bible commentaries and at least 3 translations of the Bible and then spend an hour researching a verse or two.
I had forgotten the true meaning of grace – unmerited favor. There wasn’t anything I could do to “be perfect” before God – He had already washed me clean and made me perfect through His Son. How arrogant to think that I could “please” an Almighty God with how I studied the Bible! His pleasure is in me spending time with Him – not in a formula of how I think He wants me to in order to receive maximum benefit!
I am not sure what finally starting waking me up out of my self-induced emotional coma, but it took a very long time. The final jolt that brought me out of my stupor was when my job suddenly ended in June. I had 20 to 30 extra hours per week and believe me, you can only farm an electronic farm for so long before even that will drive you crazy! Suddenly I was faced with how empty my life was and how I had let inactivity and “busyness” direct the course I was taking.
I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father and an understanding, supportive husband who have walked with me each step of the journey so far. I am sure they would both have liked to hit me over the head or said, “Well, duh” a few times, but I have never once felt any condemnation or judgement from either of them. Just love and grace and understanding.
Even my kids have become my cheerleaders as I have shared my failures that have directly affected them and sought their forgiveness and help in taking little steps to be the mom God wants me to be.
I know I have a long way to go, but each day I am taking baby steps…like letting the kids dust with little hand held dusters and not going behind them to get what they miss! The balance to that will be taking the time to help them see where their dust is consistently building up to know how to do it better next time, but at the same time instilling in them that it doesn’t have to be perfect!
I want this need for humanly obtained perfection to end with me and to help my children see the joy of doing something wholeheartedly without being paralyzed by the fear of messing up! I also want them to see me, not as the “perfect mom” , but as a human mom who has an active and thriving relationship with a perfect God!